


Who said Hell has fire?

by DoctorBane



Category: The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time, due South
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 07:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1932585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorBane/pseuds/DoctorBane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fraser is tired of Ray always playing Goldeneye, so he buys him Zelda. What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who said Hell has fire?

Ray was playing Goldeneye again.

Fraser always found it baffling that Ray, despite the fact that he didn’t kill unless presented with no other viable option, would play a game where the objective was to slaughter huge numbers of people as one of the most unpleasant fictional characters ever.   
“Ray, you do realise that you’ve been on that device for the past 6 hours, don’t you?” There was an unintelligible grunt, but nothing more.   
“Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray”.  
There was a noise from the television, followed by the camera aiming at the ceiling, and the screen filling with blood.  
“Dammit Fraser! I was just about to beat Gums, and you distracted me. Now I gotta restart!” Ray groaned as, just to mock him, the screen showed him being killed multiple times from different angles.  
“Gums? Who is Gums?” Fraser asked, puzzled.  
“You know, Gums! Really tall guy with the metal teeth who’s so tough he might just be able to survive the Chicago beat for a week!”   
“Ah, I believe the name you are searching for is Jaws. He does indeed have an uncanny knack for surviving the impossible,” Fraser replied, cool as a Canadian cucumber.  
“How the hell do you know that? When did you watch James Bond? Wait, don’t tell me – it was with some Inuit on a television made from polar bear teeth.”  
“No, I watched it one time with Ray, over at the Vecchio’s. I find the man to be overall – distasteful,” Fraser replied, with a look of brief contempt.  
“You find Vecchio distasteful? What, have you been tasting him behind my back?” Ray said, a little coyly.   
“No, I find James Bond distasteful. The way he kills people, and then jokes about it. The way he frequently sleeps with people he cares very little about. It’s also highly unrealistic. With the amount of alcohol he drinks, he shouldn’t be able to aim his gun. I should know.” Fraser stopped, suddenly. “I’m sorry, Ray. I didn’t mean to ruin the experience of the game for you.” Before Ray could say a word, Fraser put on his jacket, got his hat and left.  
Ray sat, stunned. He hadn’t realised just how much this game had upset Fraser. And what had he meant by “I should know?” Had he been an alcoholic? Suddenly Ray leapt up, revulsion shuddering through him as he looked at the Nintendo 64, with Piss Brosnan or whatever the hell his name was on the cartridge. Turning the console and T.V. off, he ran down the stairs, calling Fraser’s name. He got downstairs in time to see their car pulling away from the sidewalk. That definitely meant trouble. Fraser hardly ever drove, preferring to walk everywhere like a... well a Mountie.   
Ray heard a whine from beside him, and he looked down to see Diefenbaker staring at him.  
“Hey, don’t look at me like that, how was I supposed to know he didn’t like James Bond?” Ray said. Diefenbaker kept looking at him as if to say, “He’s fucking Canadian, what did you expect?”  
Ray, pissed off with everything, kicked a lamppost, and went inside, followed by a sorrowful Diefenbaker. 

A couple of hours later, Ray was sat on the sofa, wondering if he should go out and look for Fraser again, when he heard a car pulling up outside. He didn’t bother going to look – several cars had pulled up outside, none of them a G.T.O – when he heard a key in the lock. It seemed to be having trouble unlocking the door, until Ray remembered he’d left the door unlocked. Ray got up and ran to the door, pulling it open so hard Fraser nearly fell right on top of him.  
“Fraser! You’re back!” Ray cried, full of elation and surprise at the fact Fraser came back to him.  
“Of course I’m back, Ray,” Fraser said, disentangling himself from Diefenbaker, who was leaping at him. “The reason I left was because I felt bad for ruining your experience. Also, we were both getting angry with each other, and I thought it best I leave for a bit, to let tempers cool. I’m sorry for taking your car Ray, but I recalled it needed more gasoline.”  
“Oh, so that’s why you drove,” Ray said.  
“Indeed,” Fraser replied, in a very Mr Spock manner. “However, I felt I should apologise. I happened upon the establishment that you bought your Nintendo from, and I thought I should buy you something from there.” He brought his hand up as Ray started to protest. “However, this is not like your other games of shooting, or running people over, or general mayhem. This is a game which has a deeper story, more interesting characters, and puzzles. I hope you enjoy it.” Fraser handed Ray the box, and Ray looked at it. Printed on the box were the words:  
“The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.”  
“Hey, I think I’ve heard of this game. Isn’t it supposed to be pretty good?” Ray turned the box over. On the back it showed a picture of a kid in a green tunic standing before Excalibur, or something like that.  
“According to the gentleman behind the desk, it is the best game that has been, or ever will be released,” Fraser said.  
“Well, let’s pop the thing in and find out,” Ray said, grinning.

As it turned out, the man hadn’t been lying. Even Fraser, who usually didn’t enjoy electronic video games, had to admit he was enjoying himself. He liked how you created a name for your file, and that the name of the file was the name everyone called the playable character, who, according to the box art, was officially called Link. He liked that, even though there was killing, there was also a healthy amount of puzzle solving as well. Both Fraser and Ray appreciated the detail that went into the world, even though the trees were paper thin, and some of the characters looked very strange. They liked the sidequests in the game, with their rewards of money, or heart pieces, or larger wallets. They liked the time travel aspect of the game, which meant they could play as Link, or Batman, as Ray had called him, as both a child and a young adult. Fraser especially liked being able to play music on the titular ocarina, as well as the fairy ocarina.  
But the aspect that they enjoyed the most, without question, were the dungeons.   
Both Ray and Fraser realised that, although some of the dungeons were difficult, or confusing, or consisting of annoying fish princesses strangely reminiscent of Frannie, there was no greater feeling of satisfaction then beating a dungeon that had been giving them a load of trouble. And so Ray’s other games, such as Goldeneye and the Mortal Kombat trilogy were left on the gaming shelf, and their main source of gaming was Zelda.   
Of course, no game is perfect. Both Fraser and Ray learned this upon their first trek of all that is considered evil in Zelda, the one place that broke many a controller, many a T.V., and many a mind. They were soon to realise that Hell does indeed exist.

And its name is the Water Temple.

The first hour wasn’t so bad. All of the dungeons except the first one had taken a fairly lengthy time to complete. But as the clock ticked on, as they both began to get more impatient, as they switched the water levels for the hundredth fucking time, and as they realised they were never going to complete this glorified toilet of a temple, they started to lose it. By the third hour, they were cursing at the T.V. as if it was the T.V’s fault that Nintendo hated their customers.   
“FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT TEMPLE, END ALREADY!” Ray screamed, head-butting the sofa arm. Unfortunately, this upset a leftover bowl of nachos with cheese, which ended up spilling all over his lap.  
“FUCK!” Ray shouted, trying and failing to stop Diefenbaker from climbing on the sofa and slobbering all over his crotch. Fraser, meanwhile, was trying not to give in to his desire to kick the Nintendo out the window. “Fraser, why did you have to do this to me?” Ray said, pushing Diefenbaker off the sofa. “Is your desire to watch me slowly go mad until I’m dribbling on the carpet like Dief? Is it so when you go out for a walk with me and Dief, you can proclaim that we’re your bitches? Because if so, you’re succeeding!”  
“Ray, I had no idea there was going to be such a punishing level in this game,” Fraser protested.   
“Oh yeah right. Who made this game? Was it Canada? Are the Canadians joining forces with Japan to conquer the world through turning all gamers into brainless zombies, so you can make the world more polite with the power of sumo wrestling? Is that why you bought me this game?” Ray cried.  
“No Ray, that would be highly unlikely to work. Also, I bought this game because I thought you would like the experience,” Fraser said, once again taking Ray too literally.  
“I DID LIKE THE EXPERIENCE! THEN THIS SHIT HAPPENED AND MADE ME WANT TO SMASH THE GAME! Hey, there’s an idea.” He went to the console, and was about to take the cartridge out and drive over it in the G.T.O when he stopped himself. “What am I doing? I’m seriously about to smash the game just because of one bad part?”   
“It would appear that way,” Fraser said. “But don’t you think that would be a childish thing to do?”  
Ray thought for a moment, then sat back down on the sofa, picked up the controller, and resumed it.   
“We’re gonna beat this temple. We’re not going to let those game developers win. We will beat the temple, and then we’ll get back to everything else.” He turned back to the T.V. screen just in time to see Link get killed by a clam.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-“

They did beat the Water Temple later that night.

Much later.


End file.
